Friday, December 31, 2010

Buzz Kills

Friday, December 31, 2010

Well, my friends, much like the Indian curry at your last office holiday party, another year has passed. Yep. Another year of joys and sorrows. Achievements and failures. Lifelong dreams and The Last Airbender.

Today is a day to spend in thoughtful introspection, evaluation, and redundancy.

Or you could just drink a lot.

"Woo hooo! So long, 2010, sucka!! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"

"2011 is gonna be sooo much better!"

See? They put the ribbon on the cake instead of beside it.

So grab your margaritas,

I mean, maracas.

Pop open a bottle of bubbly,

AKA yet another use for the guitar-shaped cake pan.

And ring in the new year with a honey baked ham!

No? This isn't a ham? I was told there would be ham.

Well, take it easy tonight, guys. Have fun, be safe, roast a ham, and we'll see you after the fiesta!

"Fiesta" is Spanish for "mushroom cloud," right?


Thanks to Cabel, Michelle M., Elisabeth B., C.C., Lana, Laux, & Stephanie M., who think that The Last Airbender was a vastly under appreciated gem of the film world.

BWAHAHAHAAA!!!

Just kidding.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Cake After People

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What would happen if every baker on earth...[dramatic voice]...disappeared?

This isn't the story of how they might vanish. It's what happens to the cakes they leave behind. This is just part of the journey that will take us to the future of once active bakeries, as well as haunting sites already devoid of taste. Welcome to earth, population: zero.


1 year
after bakers


An abandoned ring and silk flowers bear mute witness to the echoing loneliness...of desolation.


10 years
after bakers


In the depths of bakery windows everywhere, dust gathers. Icing crumbles. With no workers here to clean, once-sweet treats become deadly harbingers of disease.



Sun-bleached displays now resemble so much worn, waxy marble, making it impossible to distinguish what once was a timeless tasty treat.


Uh. Lot of alliteration in this half of the script, huh?

Sound guy: Alliter what now?


Never mind.


100 years
after bakers

Geothermal flash floods bring with them river rock and debris. Amazingly, the petrified pastries persevere.

Seriously? "Petrified pastries persevere?" Who wrote this?

sound guy: I think it was the new guy; he had to finish up when Jerry took leave. Look, just go with it; we're on a roll.

[sigh] Fine.

In dank, darkened displays, filthy, festering folds of fondant mask the moldering malformed mess, made more malignantly misshapen in much...

[throwing script down] Oh come on!!

sound guy: What?

I'm ad-libbing from here. Deal with it.


sound guy: Ok, but you're telling Jerry.

Fine. Let's wrap this up.


10,000 years
after bakers



Yeeeeee-haw!

Come and get it!!


sound guy: Seriously?

Seriously.




Hey Carly T., Tom H., & Clair W., did you know that all these displays are for bakeries still open for business? Seriously.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Perfect Pair

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

"Hi, I'm here to pick up a cake for my five-year-old's birthday? Grace Marie?

"Ah, that looks great!

"Oh, but I was wondering: it's also my husband's birthday, so could you maybe throw a little something extra on there for him, too?

"Perfect! He loves Elmo!"



Thanks to Ainslee F., who's still waiting for the "Tickle Me Baywatch" crossover episode.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Santa's Little Inept Helper

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

[shop bell tinging]

"Hello, I'd like to register a complaint."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir. What seems to the problem?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is, my good man: I came in here yesterday to enlist your services in procuring my daughter's Christmas gifts. I even gave you her list:

"Yes, yes, very good. And?"

"And the presents you provided were severely substandard."

"Surely not!"

"I should say so. Just look at this doll you sent over:

"Ah, lovely doll, the Cindy Yella, isn't it? Beautiful blue skirt."

"It appears to be made of tentacles."

"Those add texture."

"And you spilled your coffee on it."

"That was there before."


"I see. And what about this 'bike'?"

"What about it?"

"I stated very clearly that my daughter is six years old, and wanted a tricycle."

"Yeah, but it looks cool on the ketchup and mustard smears, dudn't it?"

"So I suppose you thought jamming an entire deck of playing cards into icing looked 'cool' as well, did you?"


"What if I told you that wand magically cleans off all the icing?" [wink]

"Oh, does it?"

"No.

But it might."

"You just said it wouldn't."

"But it might."

[staring]

"Fine. Now, would you kindly explain this?"

"It's a puppy."

"It's a dead dog."

"Puppies are dogs."

"But it is DECEASED."

"No, no, he's just resting!"

"Resting? RESTING?!?

****
Say, you ever get the feeling we've said this before?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"Huh."

"Huh."

****
"You...uh... wanna grab a cup of coffee?"

"Ooh, let's!"



Thanks to Mindy S., doctorhj, Yael, Stephanie, & Laura K., who agree that dead puppies aren't much fun.

Monday, December 27, 2010

First Canned Fruits

Monday, December 27, 2010

Ok, here's the thing: we were totally gonna do an all-new, exciting, hilariously intelligent post on Kwanzaa today. However, it turns out there are no new Kwanzaa wrecks to be found, exciting or otherwise.

Well, except maybe this one:

Which isn't all that exciting. And is probably a Hanukkah wreck anyway.

So, as a "compromise" (read "lazy"), we've decided to take another look at last year's doozie of a Kwanzaa catastrophe made by the one and only Sandra Lee. Think of it as one of those really uncomfortable yearly traditions. Like when Aunt Janet gets drunk on Goldschl├Ąger at "Winterfest" and hits on Father Jenkins. Yeah. Kinda like that.

Now, to refresh your memories, this is the wreck:

As you can see, it really captures the essence of Kwanzaa: family, community, culture, and corn nuts. It's all there.

And in case you want to make your own, here's a handy diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy breaking down the ingredient list for you:

Mmmmm.

Ok, now that we're fully primed and prepped, let's watch Sandra Lee work her magic:



So... culturally sensitive.


Happy Kwanzaa, all.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sunday Sweets: Movie Time

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Uh, hello?
...

[tapping microphone] HellOOOooo! Is this thing on?

Huh. Well, apparently, everybody who reads this blog is either recovering from eggnog hangovers or camping in a secluded cabin in the wilderness with no internet service or toilet paper. So.

It's just you... and me.

[spritzing breath spray] [dimming lights] [slipping on red velvet smoking jacket]

Well, hello there. Come here often? Me, too!

So...seen any good movies lately?

Sub'd by Kristin C. and made by Kelly's Creations

Ah, I loved Mary Poppins when I was a kid. Sadly, I haven't seen it in like 20 years so I'm just gonna assume that this cake makes total sense.

By Annie of Annie's Art Book

Kung Fu Panda! Hand-painted landscapes! Nifty little scrolly things!

Ska-doosh.



By Amanda V. of Bluebird Cakes

In case you weren't one of the eight people who saw A Bee Movie, this guy is from A Bee Movie. Which was aptly named. Unless maybe they'd gone with C or D movie, of course. [zing!] This cake, however, is A+ all the way.


Well, they did make a Phantom of the Opera movie. Which was pretty good, as I recall. By which I mean I recall lots and lots of cleavage. Mrow. Sadly, this cake is a bit of a bust in the cleavage department, though. [bah-dum-CHA]


Sub'd by Rei and made by Julie of Blue Cupcake

Awww, check out this adorable Wizard of Oz cake and cupcakes! Love the "tornado" at the bottom. (Is it wrong that I'm singing "The Wizard and I" in my head right now?)



Sub'd by Ashley C. and made by Glenda's Good Witch Goodies

Bom ba bom bommmm, bom ba BOMMMM

Ok, now I have the Raiders theme stuck in my head. And this cake is face-meltingly awesome, too. (See what I did there?)


Sub'd by Siubhan B. and made by Cool Cakes

Wow. This Mad Hatter's hat from the latest Alice in Wonderland movie is the sum of awe. Or awesome. Or both. I'm digging the tiny tea sets and the "fabric" texture.


Sub'd by Brenda T. and made by The KupKake Tree

Oooh, so pretty! So life-like! It's almost like you could just reach out and touch it, you know?


And finally, my most favorite favorite:

Sub'd by Terri J. and made by Sugar

Seriously. Bubo here (the mechanical owl from Clash of the Titans) just might be my favorite Sweet ever. But, ya know, I dig owls. In fact, maybe I should see the remake sometime...

Oh. Or not.


Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Friday, December 24, 2010

We Wish You A...What Now?

Friday, December 24, 2010

I don't know why, but for some reason I'm just not sure what these bakers are trying to tell us...

Let's see. Santa is face down in a heap.

So...Merry Christmas?


Maybe it's better if we flip him over.

Nope.


And now, a seasonal tongue-twister:

Sam the snowman shot a sheet of snowy sleet!

Aaaand, repeat. (Three times fast, if you please.)


When it comes to wrecking cakes, this baker hits just above the belt:

Now, since there's obviously a space there for an inscription, I've been trying to come up with something appropriate.

Ho Ho...no.

And to all a good...no.

Jingle...no.

Er, yeah, I'll just have to get back to you.



Actually, this kinda works if you're Irish. Go on: say it out loud. In your best Colin Farrell voice. With a sexy wink. Oh yeeeeeah. This working for anyone else? Just me? Hey, I'm ok with that.


At least we can all agree that nothing conveys holiday cheer quite like an icing dog with Santa's head on his butt:

"Woof woof, b*tches."


And now, Rudolph of the red nose himself would like to wish you all the merriest of Christmases:

Rudolph?

RUDOLPH?!?


WHYEEE????


Uh, well, since Rudolph is...hung up... at the moment, let's just end with this:

Althoug I reall do'n se wha th proble i.


Thanks to A. L., Brannon M., Rob R., Mouse, Suzie T., Katelyn C., Kelly, & Kristin. May you all marry Christmas. Or have a Mary Christmas. Or, um, GOOD DAY.

------------------------------------------------

CCC Day #12




Free Wheelchair Mission is an international nonprofit dedicated to providing wheelchairs for the impoverished disabled in developing nations. It takes less than $60 to provide someone in need with a means of mobility.

Click here to donate your dollar.

(And thanks for sticking through our twelve days of giving, guys! You rock!)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

For the Rest of Us

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I realized Christmas might have become too commercialized when I sucker-punched that old guy in the Target electronics section. ("Hands off the XBOX KINECT, Gramps!!!!") Sure, he was just buying batteries for his hearing aid, but it made me think: maybe we've all become too materialistic around the holidays.

So, what's a disenfranchised Seinfeld fan to do?

Celebrate Festivus, of course!

Yep, I'm ditching my Christmas tree and putting up the ole' Festivus pole, because tinsel is distracting.

"Move it, Tinsel! You're blocking my holiday spirit!"

I'll chuck the Christmas ham and replace it with a traditional store-bought Pepperidge Farm cake covered with M&Ms:

Close enough.


I will then invite my family over and we will Air our Grievances, meaning we will publicly complain about all the things in the world that disappoint us... which may or may not include my family.

To which Mom might retaliate:

Because of the fishnets I wear over my peg-leg.

(Actually, come to think of it, we've been celebrating the Airing of Grievances for years.)

I'm swapping Christmas carols for the annual "Feats of Strength," where my family members will physically fight the head of household until she's been pinned. (Mom's a fighter.)

Or, in this case, the head of household will have sensual relations with the guy whose butt is falling off.

Finally, once we're drunken and bruised, we will celebrate the blessed wonders of the day:

It's a Festivus miracle!


Thanks to Rhiannon R., Anne B., Kristin S., Sue S., Natalie P., & Lauren K. And happy Festivus!

Now, stop crying and fight your father.

------------------------------------------

CCC Day #11

Share Our Strength is a national organization here in the U.S. that works hard to make sure no kid in America grows up hungry.

Please click here to give your dollar.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Well, This Is Awkward

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

We at Cake Wrecks realize that there are some of you who don't celebrate Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or Kwanzaa. Or any other winter holiday. Heck, you probably don't even like winter all that much. Or snow. Or puppies. Basically, there's just no making you happy. So, in an effort to placate your scrooge-ish sensibilities, today's commentary will be completely made up of awkward, holiday-free small talk. Enjoy.

So... how 'bout this weather, huh?

Yep...I hear it might even hit 20 degrees tonight. Here! In Florida! Crazy.

...

So...

Have you heard if they canceled Castle? 'Cuz that would be a bummer for Nathan Fillion.

You know, the guy from Firefly?

Firefly. C'mon: the Joss Whedon show? Really popular? No? You've...never seen it. Oh. Um. Never mind.


So... [puffing out cheeks]...yeah.


Uh... Chris, right? What do you do again?

Oh, you're an accountant. Great.


You know, my lawn is just completely dead.

...

Probably the cold.


So... how do you know Janet?

Bunko, huh? Huh. I've heard that's...fun.

[checking watch]


Hey, you know what I could use? A beer. [elbowing ribs] Nothing better on a cold night, am I right? Eh? Can I grab you one?

Oh. You don't drink. [nodding] Well, good! Good for you.

[scratching ear]


Now there is a smokin' fine woman. Hoo whee! Get a looksie at that caboose!

....

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize you had a daughter.



Do you know where the bathroom is? Over there? Oops, Janet just went in. Guess I'll just wait.

[fidgeting] [sigh] [adjusting cufflinks]



Woo boy. I'm getting kinda hungry... think I'll go check out that cheese platter. Want anything?

Lactose intolerant, huh? Bummer. Well, it was great talking to you... Christine, right? Ok, yeah, I'll talk at you later. You can count on it! Heheh, get it? That's a little number humor for ya.

Oh, and sorry again about the caboose thing. You have a lovely daughter. In fact, I...am leaving now, yes. Sorry. G'night.

Thanks, Tyler L., Vanessa D., Somer P., Reginia B., Rachel H., Jason D., David G., Christina N., & Ashley. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just be over here sway-dancing in the corner and trying to avoid eye-contact.

-------------------------------------------------

CCC Day #10

Heifer International works to end hunger and poverty and care for the earth by providing gifts of livestock and training so that communities can generate sustainable incomes.

Please click here to donate your dollar.