Monday, May 31, 2010

The Bakings of a Memorable Memorial Day

Monday, May 31, 2010

Today we honor the memory of our nation's heroes.

It's a day of gratitude.

Of dignity.

And, you know, stuff like this:

"Hon hon hon! I em zee embodiment of 'deegnitee!' Wee wee!"*

And speaking of wee wee...

I'm not really sure what this is, but the shape kind of rings a bell.
(I'm thinking...Arby's?)



And speaking of belles, the bodice on this dress could really use some work:

It's LIFT and separate, girls. No Yankee doodle dandy wants saggy clappers, if yaknowwuddamean.


Remember: patriotism is a family affair:

If not necessarily "family friendly."


And for a little "variety," there's always the WTF CCC:

That's "Way To Flotsamize," by the way.


Since today is about our military, though, try to keep the focus on those great men and women who have served in our armed forces.

See how the focal point here is the cookie soldier being run down and fired on by the chocolate tank?

That's NOT what I had in mind.


And finally, you know that feeling of satisfaction you get when a hoity-toity grammar snob corrects your grammar, but s/he's WRONG?

This feels kind of like that.

Quick grammar tip: if you can substitute the word "him," use "whom." But if "he" works, use "who." Ergo, "HE paid," not "HIM paid."

Thanks to Margaret D., Amy W., Andrea P., Holly Anne, Andrea P., Lyndi R., & Becky D., for whom [eyebrow waggle] I will be forever grateful. Or at least until tomorrow.


*John's Disclaimer: This was Jen's attempt at a French accent. See, 'cause the dog is a poodle, and poodles speak French. Although he also looks a bit English with the mustache and goatee. Or maybe a bit like Colonel Sanders. Oh! Who was a Colonel!** In the military!

So, in conclusion, eating KFC today is patriotic, and all poodles speak French. Thank you. That is all.


** John's Disclaimer to the Disclaimer: Actually, he was only a private but was given the honorary title of Kentucky Colonel later in life. Man! You guys*** are picky!

*** John's Disclaimer to the Disclaimer to the Disclaimer: By "guys" I mean people, and not necessarily one gender over another. I could have just as easily used "folks." though that would imply that you live in the country. Which you may not. Okay, I'm done.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sunday Sweets: Shoes & Purses

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Ok, so a few weeks ago when I said I found purse and shoe cakes a little boring, what I *meant* was I'd only find them boring until enough of you wrote in demanding that I feature purse and shoe cakes. Um. Yeah. That's it. ;)

So, by popular demand, here's the best of the best of the best! Sir!

(And just so we're clear: none of these are boring; they're awesome.)

Enjoy.

(Submitted by Venessa M. & made by Shams D)


(Sub'd by Leslea H. & made by How Sweet It Is Bakery)


(Sub'd by Tifany & made by Cupcakeenvy)


(Sub'd by Renee M. & made by Giordano's Pastries)



(Sub'd by Renita M. & made by Karen Lindsay)



(Sub'd by Brianna G. & made by Elite Cake Designs)


(Sub'd Iris M. & made by Truly Scrumptious Designer Cakes)


(Sub'd by Diana I. & made by Jacques Fine European Pastries)


(Sub'd by Anne Marie B. & made by Rosey's Sugar Palace)


(Sub'd by Abby D. & made by The People's Cake)


Send your Sweet nominees to Sunday Sweets (at) Cake Wrecks (dot) com.

Friday, May 28, 2010

This Weekend, Pig Out

Friday, May 28, 2010

Since Monday is Memorial Day, I thought you guys might appreciate a few food tips before your weekend get-togethers kick off.

Tip #1: So long as you have beer and bacon, all of your male friends will be happy.

Which is why I, as a girl, think it would be hilarious if you substituted all the beer and bacon with beer and bacon cakes, like this one. Just think how pleased the guys will be at the surprise!



Tip #2: Know your pig.

Calm down; I mean the animal.

Sometimes I think a vegan named these things. "Haha! I will name THIS one 'jowl butt,' so NO ONE will EVER want to eat it! Mwuhahahahaa!

Now, who wants some niiice fresh asparagus?"


Tip #3: Sometimes it helps to channel your inner Freddie.

Ewwww.


Tip #4: Or, if you're like me and subscribe to the "no guts; too gory" philosophy of food, try the all-inclusive cooking method:

Just don't forget the apple.
I don't know why. Just...don't.


Bonus: When you're done, you'll have a lovely centerpiece!

"I see you eating that jowl butt. And, yeah, I'm totally judging you."


Never mind all that, though, because the important thing to remember here is the glory of bacon.


Apparently it even makes 40 better. Although what that has to do with a mountain range at sunset is beyond me.

Julie B., Kellie B., Jade B., Dorota, Monica I., & Melissa C., notice how I didn't say anything about head cheese? Yep. Some lines you just don't cross.

Der Burger!

As you are no doubt aware, today is National Hamburger Day. It's a day of celebration. Of history. Of patriotism. And, of course, of ridiculous amounts of icing smooshed between two cake layers.

Mmmm. Lovely.

That's not to say all hamburger cakes are bad, of course. Sometimes, a truly excellent one comes along:

(by the ├╝ber talented Sugar Chic Cakes)

...to show us just how wrecked the rest of them are:


"Hey, hey, bay-bee! You got some fries with that cake?

"Whassat? Just dry cake crusts? Oh. Never mind."


Of course the key to a good burger wreck is to keep the customer guessing:

"Is that really a burger cake? And if so, what are the red pointy things? Or the yellow pointy thing? Is the fireworks doodad supposed to be helping? Do they honestly expect me to pay $9.99 for this? Really?!?"

Good questions, all, but more importantly...


...am I the only one seeing a giant alien head here?

C'mon, green eyes, brown lips, cranium about to explode like a jiffy-pop bag? You see it, right?


Ok, ok, so it's easy to make fun of cupcake cakes (haaaaaw-ptooie!). It's not like it's much harder with these:

Bringing "dirty-iced" to a whole new level.
(A dirty, dirty level.)


I call this one "The High Hat" -



And this, "The Escaped Experiment" -

"The containment field can't last much longer! Everyone to the exits!"


"The Bonfire" -

(Onion smoke rings cost extra.)


And finally, "Peter's Pack of Peppers" -

Now with beach sand topping!



Ashley M., Angela E., Alicia B., Christy M., Lindsey F., Julia G., Torie C., Stefanie M., Abelina V., & Paula B., have it your way.

And in case you missed it before, here's the reason John will randomly exclaim, "Der Burger!"

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Drem Big, Gjrads!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I think the reason I love graduation wreckage so much is all that rich, fortified irony.

C'mon. It doesn't get a whole lot better than this.


As we all know, it's usually the "congratulations" that gets wrecked. Still, there are plenty of other options if a Wreckerator wants to mix it up a little:


In a class all its own.


Uh-oh. Looks like someone forgot to bring their "A" game.


Here's one for a competition between rival labeling companies:

[dramatic announcer voice] "Live! From Hollywood! It's Class off, two thousand ten!'"


One thing you've really got to hand to home-schooling:

The grad ceremonies are quick. I bet they're always first in line at Olive Garden.


And to really go the extra mile, some Wreckerators will throw in a fuzzy green image of someone else's graduation photo:

Yep, this was sitting out for sale with all the other "generic" graduation cakes. Putting aside the "Gjraduates" issue, it really sends a nice message, don't you think?

"Here's your cake. We thought this guy kind of looked like you."

"But...I'm Asian."

"Yes, well..."

"And a girl."

"He has your smile."


Many thanks to Sarah J., Kristin L., Sarah B., Amy S., Travis, & Julie O.:

This isn't them.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Something Here Doesn't Add Up

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

We all know Wreckerators have trouble with the English and the spelling and whatnot.

(I don't know why they have trouble with the English, but they do.)

Well, turns out they aren't so great with numbers, either.

See? I tried to tell you cupcake cakes (patooie!) are all backwards.


"You're celebrating your 75th birthday? Meh, here's a quarter. Call someone who cares fractionally more than me."

(Oooh, math puns are FUN!!)


There's an unwritten rule in Wreckerating: every number ends in "th." Yes, every number.




The irony here is that's the "fixed" version.


Oh, and speaking of irony...

The kid on the right totally knows. He's just being polite.


Sarah J., Annette H., Dao, Janie, Jessica B., & Mike V., you're all number 1th to me.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Hats Off for Graduates!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ok, enough misspellings.

Let's see what happens when Wreckerators unleash their artistic sides.

A road sign being licked by a yellow frog?
Nope.
A graduation cap.
Really.
Yeah, and John says *I* don't keep things in perspective.

(And don't think we don't see that "class" screw-up, Mr. Wreckator, 'cuz we do.)


Just to give you an idea, here's a good drawing of a grad cap:



And now back to the Wrecked versions:

In this context, "graduate" = "butthead."

(And you're not imagining it; I did feature this same "design" last year.)


Do you suppose if you turn the crank the dragonfly takes off?
(Give it a minute. You'll see 'em.)

Apparently this Wreckerator mixed up graduation cap with graduation hood:

That, or maybe s/he's a Star Wars fan?

Hey, I'm sure the Senate Guard have graduation ceremonies, too.


I never knew grad caps came with ear flaps:

Must be a Canadian thing.



Here's a good reminder to always use protection:

So be smart, kids. Always use a towel to catch those crumbs.

(Brought to you by Towel Day: Do you know where your towel is?)

Christine M., Jyap, Reena B., Jared C., Ashlee A., & Emily L., way to use your heads.